One of the many doctors I had been seeing suggested I have some Ambien. I have never had a sleeping pill in all my days since sleeping has always been a solid skill of mine. To say I was excited would be an understatement. To me this was like an artist receiving brand new specialty paint brushes and paint. You know their next project is going to be amazing. When it comes to use of any substance we could just say I am very very vanilla. An Ambien?! Things were going to get crazy. This was going to be epic!!! I was going to pass out, snore so loud sprawled out awkwardly on my hospital bed, and let the drool run down my face. My nurse told me to tell her when I was ready so I looked through my Facebook feed one more time since it would be hours possibly days before I did that again and announced I was ready. Everyone said it usually takes about 10 minutes and you are out. I looked at the clock as I swallowed that pretty little pill and then sadly watched 3 more hours pass by. It didn't do its job at all. Very disappointing. Already I was digressing at something I was once really great at. Finally, I fell asleep just in time to have more nurse visits which allowed me to never sleep again. Ever.
When my boys came the next day my 3 year old Titus drank my hospital milk while squishing me in my bed with the amazing buttons that were just in his reach. Rock who is 5 cried and asked why I wasn't home. We explained to him that the doctors and nurses wanted me to stay so the baby and I could stay safe. Rock with tears in his eyes yelled, "I wish you never got pregnant. If you didn't get pregnant this wouldn't have happened!!" The problem I had with this was all the "you" talk. Rock was mad at me! I needed to fix this quick so I held him close to me and explained the truth, "Rock, it's not my fault I am pregnant. It's your father's fault I am pregnant and it's your baby sister's fault I am in the hospital. She is a girl and will likely ruin your life from this point forward because that's what girls do." This answer seemed to satisfy me as Rock glared at Ben and scooted away from my belly. Problem solved.
We were at a different hospital than we had planned and decided it would make the most sense to change doctors to one on location. We figured why not make everyones life easier. We lined up all the doctors and asked them important questions like who's your NBA team? Do you think Donald Trump is real person, because he can't be... and Do you drive a BMW? That last question was just work related for Ben. We met Dr. Edmunds and liked him right away because he had spent some time in Seattle and it's beautiful there so it seemed like a good fit. Also, he mentioned something about having experience as well as a degree of some kind. Sounded good to us. I asked him if he wore Northface gear all the time because I remember while in Seattle, sticking out in my flashy nike leggings while everyone else was in muted orange, yellow and black north face get-up. Dr. Edmunds responded with a chuckle that he did not. However, two days later he came in wearing his black north face jacket. That's when I knew our new doctor was a liar. That didn't matter much though because Dr. Edmunds was a fan of BMWs as he had driven one before (likely not in Seattle I am sure he had a Subaru there) but did not currently own bimmer. Future prospect. So Dr. Edmunds, with his trendy black framed glasses, got the job.
I was moved out of labor and delivery and back upstairs in recovery to be monitored. The days were exceptionally long and it was very difficult to be away from my husband and my boys. They spent every day with Ben's parents GiGi and Bop. They loved that. I was asked by friends and family what I do to keep busy all day. So far, I kept busy by staring at the wall or ceiling but didn't want to tell anyone that especially because I was quite content doing it. I needed to come up with something. Everything that I enjoy most, as far as activities go, requires me going somewhere and doing something. Never has a sit down hobby appealed to me in the slightest. I knew I needed to be open minded. After much thought I decided to tackle a secret goal I have had as a youth. My little brother, Grady, had a very impressive cursing talent. He could add cuss words to any sentence about any topic and it was if they belonged there. As a straight arrow young lady in greatly bothered me, however, I had serious respect for how well he put the words together. I decided that would be it. I would practice swearing and be even better at it than Grady. My deadline was to be ready by delivery. I would impress the entire hospital staff with my profanties. Meanwhile, Ben took on chores he had never done before like dishes, taking out the trash, replacing the toilet paper, making dinner... He really stepped it up. I had no idea he was capable of accomplishing such tasks. That alone makes this whole mess worth it!
The staff here tried to make my stay as comfortable as possible. I was told if I wanted I could have a bi-weekly visit from a masseuse. She would come to my room Tuesdays and Fridays. I exclaimed "Hell ya!!" then I apologized for my vulgar language, yet also congratulated myself on a solid start. I was also informed that an activities director would come and speak to me about some fun things I could do during the day to keep my spirits up. I was very excited about this. I dreamt of what the activity could be- scrapbooking, knitting, roller blading... Finally the day came when a sweet elderly lady came in and announced she was indeed the activities coordinator that I had been waiting for. She said I was welcome to join in the action for the day. I couldn't wait to hear more when she explained further "Today's activity is animal therapy." I interrupted her by laughing hysterically. I was just as surprised at my reaction as she was. I repeated "Animal therapy?!!" I didn't even know that was a real thing. I have always assumed it was a very funny joke someone came up with. Oh I am sad, come here here little fur ball...so funny!!! She continued, "Yes, we have a dog who I can bring into your room and you can pet..." I couldn't hold it back anymore I had tears I was laughing so hard. "Oh, hell" I said because that is the only curse word I had practiced though I was still obviously uncomfortable saying it out loud "That sounds miserable to me. Please don't do that. Do not bring a dog in here. I would not like that!!" I cried through my tears. She looked concerned and asked, "Do you like dogs?" I quickly replied, "No ma'am. I do not...but I will love my baby." I could tell she wasn't impressed with me so I tried explaining as fast as I could, "Well you see I love people and kindness I just...I grew up on a farm and animals were everywhere and this one would pee in my car and the cats would be on the counter...there were birds...so many birds...a gerbil literally bit my mother-in-law on her foot once while in our home....There's some deep Sh..."I wasn't ready for that next level swearing so I stopped and made eye contact to see her slowly backing out of my room. I knew I would never be invited to activity day again.
I am aware this is the post that will prevent me from ever making it on the animal-loving Ellen show. We all have differences, Ellen. I also can't dance, so I get it.
Enter - Adult coloring books. I knew they existed and were popular but I didn't realize how popular. In one day I received three adult coloring books. I feel like the word adult throws me off with my expectations of them. If I told someone I received three adult movies in one day or went downtown to three adult shows they would likely have a different opinion of me. Yet, saying I have three adult coloring books the reaction is "Oh how wonderful! That's very therapeutic. At the very least you think adult coloring book... this is going to be juicy stuff to color. Nope it's beautiful owls, floral designs and fancy elephants. I wish I had come up with this idea because I spent a lot of time doodling in all my math classes in high school. That could have been my coloring book for sale. I really appreciated the coloring books even though I am now self diagnosed with adult ADD. I could manage to color one flower petal, then one peacock feather, and possibly a the hat on the quail in a period of 72 hours. It's all about having the right pens. I could color a whole flower with the gel pens. There are swear word adult coloring books which would aid in my foul language attempt only no one gave me one of those. So instead of coloring I have been using my gel pens to write curse words through out the geometric pages. I don't write the whole swear word just maybe one or two letters followed by the appropriate amount of asterisk symbols.
The ******* End of This ***** One ****
--- This post requires a small amount of clarification. This clarification concerning Dr. Edmunds has nothing to do the fact that he will be the one performing a surgery in the very near future that requires cutting my flesh open- which he has done many times before with much success. I am not scared and no threats have been issued this is real talk... He is a fantastic OBGYN and Seattle sure missed out when he moved back to Utah...okay what else was I suppose to say...He is very educated and experience and kind. If anyone needs an OBGYN I highly recommend leaving your current OBGYN for this professional not lying man! Message me and I'll give you his contact information. Seriously, he has put up with me for weeks now. Finally, I am on an extremely high dosage of iron so I may not recall the events as they truly happened. Ok Doc, let me know tomorrow if that worked! #thumbsup
No comments:
Post a Comment