Home (S1 E5)

I walked into our home and felt relieved, only I also felt just like a ticking bomb. Before I would stand-up, I would give myself a pep talk, "You got this girl! You can not bleed!" I was so worried the same thing would happen and I would be back the next day which would guarantee Christmas in the hospital. I tried focusing more on the fact that I was with all my boys and my heart was full. I was excited to get presents wrapped which was a perfect activity for me being on bed-rest. I looked around our home for the Amazon boxes but only saw one tiny box. I asked Ben where the other boxes were and he said what I saw was what we had received. I ordered way too many items for there to be just one box. The one box was from a friend who reused a box she had received from Amazon because around here we recycle and reuse. Not one item I had ordered was there. I checked my email and there wasn't a single email from Amazon. Then my heart sank as I hesitantly checked an old email account. There they were, email after email explaining my card had been declined and the order was not shipped. I not only hadn't updated my email, I also did not update with my new debit card. We had hardly a thing for the boys and it was 4 days before Christmas, only I couldn't even get out to shop. To top that off, Ben informed me we had a refund from Etsy. The special PJs that I ordered for the boys (6 WEEKS PRIOR) were also not coming. The crafty lady refunded the money but never said a word about why. I emailed her and used my sad story in hopes for a miracle, yet the broad didn't respond and then deleted her account. I hope she sees this mother-helling post.

Ben comforted me as I sobbed and assured me that the gifts didn't matter at all. Rock and Titus came running to join in the hugs and asked what was wrong. Looking back I regret dramatically yelling with tears in my eyes, "Santa is NOT coming!!" Ben fixed that outbreak and reminded me I was home and that was really all that mattered. He said he would go buy some presents for under the tree and we agreed to not get gifts for each other (or friends or family..sorry about that). We would just be happy to be together. Only I had already bought Ben a beautiful fur blanket just like the one he fell in love with when we stayed at Stein Erikson Lodge earlier in the year. It took weeks to find the right one. So much work, love and effort went into that gift. I only added that part to brag that I'm an amazing wife with high class taste. Ben calmed me once again about the small, insignificant mix-up. I sent out a text to Colleen explaining what happened because I wasn't done talking about it. Since I was calm I then copied and pasted the text and sent it out to just 3 more friends to make sure I had the support and sympathy I needed. Talking about it with them made me cry again so Ben held me and said the exact same thing he had said 15 minutes before. I felt better again. My man came through huge and got most of the shopping done and I used Amazon Prime for the rest with my accurate debit card. Most gifts said they would arrive December 28th but that was ok, I accepted it. However, December 24th every single item I purchased was at our front door. Thank-You Amazon Prime. (Does that count as an ad? Can I get some gift cards for that?)

Every night I would pray extra hard to please make it past Christmas. Every morning I would wake up blood-free in my bed next to Ben I felt extremely grateful. I wanted to snuggle him but my nest of pillows and giant belly were in the way so I would just wake him up with a high-five and a wink. I loved being home and loved watching Ben do chores even more. Occasionally I would slap his booty and ask him to make me a sandwich in his shortest Nike shorts he owned. Modified bed rest was working out pretty well for me.

It was Christmas Eve, presents were wrapped including special pajamas *thank you again Amazon Prime, gifts for the boys were under the tree and stockings were ready! It was magical, but not as magical as waking up Christmas morning just in time to see the greatest reactions on our little men's faces. Wide-eyed they gushed about every gift from simple stamps to the nerf guns. I found I hadn't thought out the nerf guns well enough because I was a very easy target. I think Ben enjoyed that far too much as he showed the boys how to work the guns on me, but he was still wearing those short shorts so it was ok. The boys have incredible aim.  It was probably our most simple and most wonderful Christmas we have had together. My Christmas wish came true with a home full of wrapping paper and silly toys, I felt such joy. We all cuddled up in the new fur blanket, watched a movie, and dodged nerf bullets the remainder of the day.

I had made it past Christmas and New Years and though I didn't want to bleed again I wasn't as paranoid about it happening. I was given some privileges and able to pick Rocky up from school and take them to fun places as long as I mostly sat. I asked Dr. Edmunds if he thought going out to a movie with the family would be fine. He responded "Well it depends on the movie." I told him Star Wars which he had seen and liked so he approved. Titus announced loudly during a quiet scene that he had to go poop which meant people hated us for bringing a small tot and I missed most of the movie so everything just felt right back to normal. Sitting in the hospital hoping we didn't have to deliver our baby already felt like a distant memory. I felt like a different woman. I had a war face now. I made a giant black and white ribbon and wore it to remind myself I was a survivor. We would go to Chic-Fil-A to let the boys play and I would ask for the "Bed-Rest Survivors" discount. No matter where I asked for this discount, which was everywhere, it was met with much confusion. I understood I made it up, but still I was disgusted with the lack of awareness. I would grab my nuggets, glare at them and shout, "You can never understand until you've been there!" Then I would ask for some mints and waddle back to watch my kids play through the glass while singing, "This is my fight song, take back my life song..."loudly to the other parents as I passed out black and white ribbons. I did not make any friends during this time.

January 6th was a Sunday and one of my favorite things about Sunday's are Sunday naps. I had a very vivid dream during this nap about bleeding again. I had experience with vivid dreams like this, for once I had a dream I won the lottery. It also was very vivid, I even saw the Powerball number, 32. My boss at the time happened to buy me a ticket that next day and you'll never believe the Powerball number on this ticket was indeed 32. I almost quit right then but I didn't want anyone to suspect anything so I waited. Then I watched the winning lotto number be announced and cursed that dream. I didn't win. This was totally different though. I told Ben as soon as I woke up that I had a vision but he just asked me to please step aside I was in the way of their PS4 Star Wars game. I packed my hospital bag and placed it in the coat closet. I accomplished everything I would want done just in case, took care of some light chores, made sure the boys laundry was done and snuggled my little bears a little extra. Luckily, Jessica, took me to get my nails done a few days prior. This was a must do on my list because it drove me crazy to stare at my un-did toes the last round so I felt happy to have glitter where glitter should be in such situations. Titus loves to come crawl in our bed at night. Usually I love this but while so gigantic, I let him take over my spot and head to the extra bedroom. When he came in that night I got right up and moved to the other bed. So far I was not the prophetess I thought I may be, however, about an hour later I felt the gush. I exclaimed, "I knew it!!!!" and victoriously ran to the boys bathroom. This was absolutely the worst bleed yet and it was not slowing down. I couldn't figure out how to get to Ben because I was tracking blood wherever I stood. I didn't want to yell because I didn't want to wake up Rock to see a terrifying scene that was all his father's fault. Much too traumatic. So, I called Ben on his cell phone and he did not answer. I called Ben's parents so they could start heading over and I tried calling Ben again but no use. I had to scoot on a towel to not ruin our floors and finally got to our room. Titus was in there so I whispered, "Ben..Ben...BEN...I was right...tell me I was right, admit it- I can see the future." Then I grabbed my ready-to-go bag, put on my ribbon and we headed to the hospital.